My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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