So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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