I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
