He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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