A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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