you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
