i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
