Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
