i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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