I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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