Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
