Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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