the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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