I accidentally burped into my bong.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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