I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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