im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
