someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
