first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
