Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
