The maid of honor just puked.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
