Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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