remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
