I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
