My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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