i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
