So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
These tits shall not be calmed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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