I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
