you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
