Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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