I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
