i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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