Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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