Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
