im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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