If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
