Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
