Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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