The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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