I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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