My friends, they love my intelligence
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
