I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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