Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
