Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How does one acquire holy water?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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