My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
