Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Pants are for mortals
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