1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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