Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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