Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
