why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sorry about my life...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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