he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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