remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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