Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you had me at cake vodka
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
