I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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