I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize