Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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