Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
