an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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