I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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