I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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