"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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