Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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