She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
