no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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