I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
