just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
