i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
